Navigating Difficult Conversations with Confidence by Darcy Dunker

Darcy’s Coaching Website is here.

When we show up for difficult conversations, we might feel really unprepared, exposed, and at a disadvantage.

M&M Cake

• M&M: Match and Mirror
• Clarify Intentions
• Ask with Curiosity
• Keep to Facts
• Explore Solutions Together

When someone is sharing their story, match and mirror (the M&M of the M&M Cake). This is the fastest way to build subconscious trust. If someone comes in angry, you can’t be angry back, but you should match their intensity. Maybe talking fast, maybe gestures, etc. Psychological effect (chameleon effect): when people have positive rapport, they automatically start to mirror each other. So mirroring also helps build rapport. (posture, gestures, lean in, pace, tone). It doesn’t have to be the exact same thing. So like if someone pushes their glasses up, scratch your nose. If they adjust their glasses on the side, push your hair behind your ear on the same side.

When a kid is mad, don’t put your hand on their shoulder and tell them to calm down. Match them instead. “OMG YOU SEEM SO UPSET! WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME EVERYTHING!” You don’t have to tell them to calm down – you start calming down and see if they do. You take a deep breath, don’t tell them to take a deep breath. If they are being aggressive, that’s no longer a “difficult conversation” and it’s not time for this protocol. If they hit you, don’t hit them back!

Remember, we aren’t matching emotion; we are matching body language and energy. So like if someone comes at you angry, you don’t also need to be angry. You should just mirror the intensity of the moment.

If someone pauses for a long time and their eyes are on you, they are ready for you to speak. If they pause and their eyes are somewhere else, they are still thinking.

C – Clarify intentions (clear goal, this motivates people and helps them cooperate)

A – Ask with curiosity (“Help me understand.” Opens the door for great communication, shifts the brain away from being defensive)

K – Keep to facts (sticks to a neutral ground, “what I’ve observed…”, “the data shows…”)

E – Explore solutions together – shifts from confrontation to collaboration, invites the other person into brainstorming problem-solving, people value solutions when they are involved in creating them)

If you speak your goal, you are 60% more likely to actually do the goal?

What is one thing to do differently during your next difficult conversation? My goal: SET CLEAR INTENTIONS.